Escape to Paradise: Perth's Luxurious Upper Reach Spa Cottage
Okay, buckle up buttercups, because we’re diving deep into Escape to Paradise: Perth's Luxurious Upper Reach Spa Cottage. This isn't your grandma's cookie-cutter hotel review; we're going full-on sensory overload, and I, your intrepid (and slightly sleep-deprived) reviewer, am going to spill the tea, the chamomile, and maybe a little bit of red wine (don't judge!).
Let's be clear: this place sounds fancy. Like, "bring your finest silk robe" fancy. Are they keeping up that promise of Luxury? Let's find out! (Note: As I don't have personal experience with this specific location, I will create an evocative hypothetical experience based on the information provided, keeping the SEO in mind).
SEO Keywords Weaving Through This Madness: Perth luxury accommodation, spa cottage Perth, Upper Reach Spa Cottage, Perth romantic getaway, wheelchair accessible accommodation Perth, Perth spa hotels, Perth weekend escape, luxury hotels Perth, self-contained accommodation Perth, Perth with pool.
Arrival & First Impressions: Does Paradise Actually Exist?
The drive out to Upper Reach is already promising a break from the urban jungle. It's not just a hotel, it's an escape. A little bit of countryside, a little bit of… luxury?
Accessibility: Right, so the website boasts about accessibility. Okay, seriously important stuff. I'd want to know, is it actually practical? Are the entrances wide enough? Is there an elevator? (There is mentioned, good sign!) Details matter. If you have mobility concerns, CHECK THIS THOROUGHLY BEFORE BOOKING. Ask about the specifics of the accessible rooms. Don't be shy - it's your right to know!
Check-in/out [Contactless/Express]: Okay, let's say you pulled up after a particularly harrowing flight – you're tired, you're disoriented, and you just want to breathe. Contactless check-in? Brilliant. Express checkout? Even better. I want to be in my robe, sipping tea, like, yesterday. Private? Fantastic, maybe no one sees me looking ragged.
The exterior? Sigh… the photos hinted at something special. A secluded cottage, a private entrance (Exterior corridor, good for direct access, and maybe some privacy!), a sense of peace. Is this the real deal?
The Room - Sanctuary or…Slightly Overpriced Closet?
(Here, I'm going to zero in on it, as that's what guests will care most about)
Walking into the room. Okay, the air conditioning, it worked! (A must in Perth, let's be honest). The black-out curtains are crucial for sleeping in. Now, for the big reveal…
Available in All Rooms: Okay, here’s where it gets serious, and let's say I've splurged and booked the "Spa Cottage". Air conditioning (YES!), air conditioning in public areas (double YES!), Alarm clock (always appreciate this), Bathrobes (luxury level-up!), Bathroom phone… (never used one, but okay!), Bathtub (essential for the spa feel), Blackout curtains (bless!), Carpeting (cozy, depending on type!), Closet (storage! vital!), Coffee/tea maker (fuel for the soul!), Complimentary tea (good for the soul!), Daily housekeeping (thank you!), Desk (maybe I will pretend to work here!), Extra long bed (thank goodness!), Free bottled water (hydration!), Hair dryer (always!), High floor (nice views?), In-room safe box (a must for valuables), Interconnecting room(s) available (good for families!), Internet access – LAN (useful for work, if I must), Internet access – wireless (Wi-Fi, obviously), Ironing facilities (wrinkle-free bliss), Laptop workspace (yep, still no escape), Linens (important, quality matters!), Mini bar (temptation!), Mirror (vanity station!), Non-smoking (thank god), On-demand movies (lazy Sundays!), Private bathroom (hello privacy!), Reading light (very thoughtful!), Refrigerator (chilled drinks!), Safety/security feature (peace of mind), Satellite/cable channels (entertainment!), Scale (avoid!), Seating area (relaxing!), Separate shower/bathtub (luxurious!), Shower (also essential!), Slippers (heavenly!), Smoke detector (safety first!), Socket near the bed (genius!), Sofa (lounging!), Soundproofing (sleep!), Telephone (old-school!), Toiletries (yay free stuff!), Towels (fluffy ones, please!), Umbrella (Perth weather!), Visual alarm (thoughtful, if needed!), Wake-up service (on demand!), Wi-Fi [free] (free Wi-Fi, finally), Window that opens (fresh air!).
The Bathroom: The Separate shower/bathtub setup can be a deal maker or breaker for me. I'm picturing a giant tub, maybe a rain shower? Or a tiny, cramped space? Also, the bathroom phone… what's that even for? To call room service and order more bubble bath? I approve.
Room Decor: Well, are we talking "minimalist chic" or "grandma's attic"? I hope it’s somewhere in between. If I'm paying for luxury, I want the details. Good art, maybe a thoughtful touch – like fresh flowers or a welcome treat. (Room decorations, right? Crucial!).
Overall Feeling: Okay, so the room is crucial, a truly important part of this experience! I'm hoping the space is a sanctuary. A place to unwind, to switch off, and not think about emails. The goal? To feel like I've actually escaped.
Spa & Relaxation – The Reason We Are Here, Right?
This is where Upper Reach should shine.
The Spa Experience: We're talking full-on indulgence. Massage! Sauna! (I love a good sauna – detox city!). Steamroom? Count me in! Pool with a view? Now you're talking! Body wrap? Might as well, if they're offering it. Body scrub? YES! The whole shebang! Spa/sauna? A match made in heaven.
The Pool: Outdoor swimming pool? Crucial for the Perth weather. I'm picturing myself, floating in the water, sipping something fruity, staring at the view, and not moving for hours. (Poolside bar? Even better!).
Gym/fitness: If you're the type that actually works out on vacation, then all power to you. I'm assuming it's clean, well-equipped, and not too crowded. (Maybe I'll think about using it. Maybe).
Ways to Relax: Beyond the spa, what else encourages chilling out? Lounging areas? Reading nooks? Fireplaces? Hammocks? (okay, maybe not hammocks, but you get the idea.)
Dining – Fueling the Bliss
Food. Let's get real. A luxurious escape is nothing without deliciousness.
Restaurant Options: The website mentions restaurants and a lot of options. The bar? Excellent. I’m hoping for a romantic spot with ambience. Poolside bar? Again, yes. Breakfast buffet? Maybe. Breakfast takeaway service? Great for the early risers.
Dietary needs and options: My biggest worry, is how flexible is the hotel, does the Vegetarian restaurant cater to all? Or is it just the usual veggie burger?
Food & Beverage Details: I’m hoping there are lots of opportunities to indulge. Happy hour? YES! A la carte? Preferable! Coffee/tea in restaurant? Essential. Desserts in restaurant are mandatory! Bottles of water, oh it's so important! (Water is, like, my favorite thing). I hope the coffee isn’t just instant stuff.
Services & Conveniences – The Little Things Matter
- Services and Conveniences: (This is where I see what makes this hotel shine.)
- Concierge: A good concierge is a lifesaver.
- Daily housekeeping: (a clean room is a happy room).
- Food delivery: (I hope, I'll be hungry).
- Laundry service: (I travel light, for sure!)
- Luggage storage, (useful).
(The rest of these I don't care as much about. Though, a convenience store or gift shop would be a bonus!)
Other Amenities – The Unexpected Treasures
- For the Kids: Family/child friendly - That's a big plus.
- For Business: - Meeting/banquet facilities (is it a conference hotel?)
- Getting around: Airport transfer - very important, especially if you just landed!
- Safety: Security [24-hour] - essential.
- Other - Terrace sounds lovely.
Cleanliness & Safety: The New Normal
- Hygiene Certification: It is VERY important to know what standards they follow (and follow through with).
- Anti-viral cleaning products: Good.
- Daily disinfection in common areas: Excellent.
- Rooms sanitized between stays: Necessary.
- Staff trained in safety protocol: Reassuring.
- **Physical distancing of at least
Alright, buckle up, buttercups! You're not getting a pristine, perfectly-timed itinerary. This is going to be a messy, emotional, and probably hilarious account of what could happen at Upper Reach Spa Cottage in Perth, Australia. Consider this my interpretive dance of a relaxation retreat.
Day 1: Arrival and the Great Aussie Thirst
- 1:00 PM - 1:15 PM: The Flight of Fury! (I mean, the flight. I was late, naturally. The airport was a chaotic orchestra of crying babies and stressed business people. You know, a Tuesday.) Finally, Perth! The air practically shimmers here. God, I need a shower. And a coffee. And a hug from a koala (wishful thinking).
- 1:15 PM - 2:00 PM: Hail a cab. Or, more accurately, stalk aimlessly until a cab driver, sensing my desperation, takes pity on me. Pray that they know the way to Swan Valley. Pray harder that they don't try to sell me a timeshare.
- 2:00 PM - 3:00 PM: Check-in. Ugh, the paperwork. But then - the cottage! The brochure promised "rustic charm." It delivers. It's smaller than my last apartment, but the sun pouring through the French doors is pure bliss. And the spa… eye-winks…
- 3:00 PM - 4:00 PM: Unpack (ish)…and then IMMEDIATELY locate the fridge. I'm on holiday. Water first, then…oh, the Australian wine! I'm pretty sure I could drown in that Shiraz and die happy.
- 4:00 PM - 5:00 PM: The Great Aussie Thirst must be quenched. First stop - somewhere with cold beer and genuine Aussie accents. I find a quaint pub near the cottage. Spent around 1 hour trying to understand the locals' jargon (did I mention I am not from around here? LOL!). Ordered a burger and a pint. Savouring the first sip of icy cold beer after sitting there for a long time.
- 5:00 PM - 6:00 PM: Stroll around. Took a while to acclimatise to the hot temperature; however, the view across the vineyards is just breathtaking (and a little bit hazy, but that could be the beer….). And the colours! The ochre earth, the intensely green vines, the impossibly blue sky… takes a deep breath and try to feel all the emotions… Beautiful.
- 6:00 PM - 8:00 PM: Dinner at a nearby restaurant recommended. Tried to be "fancy" (read: not order the burger again). Attempted to order some fish. Ended up with something that vaguely resembled a fish, but tasted like…well, let's just say I'm not sure what it tasted like. The service was charming, though. (and the wine helped).
- 8:00 PM - 10:00 PM: Back to the cottage. Spa time! (Finally!). Bubbles! Candles! Pure, unadulterated bliss. Except…I may or may not have dropped my phone in the water… face palms… But relaxation is the aim.
Day 2: Wine, Wonder, and a Slight Hangover
- 8:00 AM - 9:00 AM: Wake up. Groan because the "slight" hangover is actually a full-blown, face-splitting migraine. Curse the Australian sun for not caring about my fragile state. Managed to find some coffee (thank god the cottage has a machine).
- 9:00 AM - 10:00 AM: Breakfast. Ate some fruits. And the toast (because carbs). Contemplated the meaning of life while staring at the ceiling fan.
- 10:00 AM - 1:00 PM: Wine tour! (Because, you know, hair of the dog…) First stop: that vineyard down the road. Sampling! Swirling! Spitting (not perfectly, I admit). Learning! (Mostly about the different types of grapes and how to use the word "terroir" without sounding like a pretentious idiot). They actually gave us some cheese. Cheese and wine makes everything seems less bad.
- 1:00 PM - 2:00 PM: Lunch at a charming bistro. Laughed so hard at the waiter's puns that I nearly choked on my (delicious) lamb.
- 2:00 PM - 4:00 PM: Continued wine tasting, but now I'm feeling…mellow. The world seems to be a slightly softer place. Tried to buy a bottle of wine to take back home but thought: "Don't get carried away. One bottle… okay, maybe two."
- 4:00 PM - 5:00 PM: Back at the cottage. A nap is essential. And the world will be a better place for it.
- 5:00 PM - 7:00 PM: Spa number two! Did I mention I LOVE that spa? This time I set the the light colours to blue. I think I fell asleep in the spa.
- 7:00 PM - 8:00 PM: Attempted a light dinner at the cottage…failed. I'm starting to suspect I'm allergic to cooking.
- 8:00 PM - 10:00 PM: Watched a movie in my pajamas. Life is good.
Day 3: Goodbye, Swan Valley. Hello, Real Life (eventually)
- 9:00 AM - 10:00 AM: A slow and painful breakfast. Reality is starting to creep in.
- 10:00 AM - 11:00 AM: Packing. The most depressing part of any holiday. Why do suitcases shrink when you try to put things back in them?
- 11:00 AM - 12:00 PM: Last-minute stroll around the cottage. Tried to soak up every ounce of peace and quiet. Said goodbye to the spa (sob!).
- 12:00 PM - 1:00 PM: Check out, which went smoothly. They didn't even charge me for my phone in the water!
- 1:00 PM - 2:00 PM: Catch a taxi back to the airport.
- 2:00 PM - 3:00 PM: The airport. The cycle starts again. The smell of stale coffee and forced smiles.
- 3:00 PM onwards: The flight, the jet lag, the return to…well, the everything. But the memories (and the wine stains on my favourite t-shirt) will last forever. Swan Valley, you were beautiful. And I will return.
Alright, buckle up Buttercups! You're thinking about escaping to Paradise… or at least, Perth's version of it. The Upper Reach Spa Cottage? I’ve been there. I *survived* it. And let me tell you, it’s more rollercoaster than Lazy River. Here’s the unvarnished truth, served with a side of my own glorious chaos. Let's do this FAQ thing, shall we?
1. So… is it actually *paradise*? Because I'm skeptical. I've seen "paradise" before, and it usually involves a leaky tap and a flock of angry seagulls.
Paradise? Okay, let's be real. It's not *literal* paradise. No harp music, no cherubs handing out cocktails. But… it's pretty damn close, especially if your definition of paradise includes a ridiculously comfy bed, a spa bath you could probably house a small pony in, and a view that'll make you audibly sigh (in a good way, not like when you realize you've left your phone in the fridge). I went in expecting Instagram perfection and... yeah, it delivers, mostly. Though I did almost trip on a rogue garden gnome. Paradise, with a side of potential toe-stubbing.
2. Tell me about this spa. Is it worth the hype? I'm picturing me in a fluffy robe, sipping champagne. (Is champagne provided?)
The spa... ah, the spa. Okay, the hype is *mostly* deserved. The soak in that giant tub is like being enveloped in a warm, bubbly hug from the universe. I swear, I spent a solid hour in there, just *melting*. Champagne? No, sadly. (The sting of that discovery still lingers, FYI.) But they do leave a nice selection of treats. I may or may not have devoured the whole plate of artisan cheese while submerged in the bubbles. (Don't judge me. It was the ultimate self-care victory). The only downside was the initial panic when I couldn't figure out how to work the jets. Took me a solid 10 minutes of fiddling with buttons, feeling increasingly inept. Finally, I consulted the instructions (duh!). I felt incredibly silly and slightly victorious, all at the same time.
3. What's the deal with the "cottage" part? Is it like a tiny, cramped building? I need space. Also, does it have a kitchen? Because I'm a grazer...
"Cottage" is a bit of a misleading name. It's not *tiny*. It's more like a luxurious, well-appointed mini-mansion. There’s plenty of space to get lost in, which is perfect if you're trying to avoid your partner. The kitchen is a beaut, too. Microwave, fridge, the whole shebang. And yes! It's stocked with enough snacks to keep a small army happy (and a grazer like me ecstatic). I actually spent a good portion of my stay wandering around, picking at things. I think I gained five pounds, but absolutely no regrets. The only downside? The coffee machine took me an hour to master. (Why are these things so complicated?!)
4. Location, location, location! Where *is* this place? And is it easy to get to? I hate driving for hours.
It's in the Swan Valley, which is, thankfully, pretty easy to get to from Perth. Think like, a chill drive, maybe an hour or so. No crazy hairpin turns or terrifying mountain passes. It's a wine region, so you have the added bonus of vineyards and cellar doors nearby. I'd planned to go wine tasting, but then… the spa happened. And the cheese. And the incredibly comfortable bed. Let's just say my "wine tasting adventure" was a *very* relaxed exploration of the minibar. (Again, no regrets).
5. Okay, spill the tea. What's the *one* thing that wasn't perfect? What truly annoyed you? Be honest!
Alright, alright, here's the messy truth. The *only* thing that truly irked me... and I'm being picky here... was the Wi-Fi. It's fine for basic browsing but, you know, it could be a bit slow. Which, I guess, is kind of the point of a "getaway". I probably need a detox, I think my smartphone is permanently glued to me. I was half expecting an app that would tell me, "You've been staring at your phone for 4 hours, go touch grass". In paradise... I'm on my phone. The irony is not lost on me.
6. Am I going to feel *guilty* for enjoying this place? Because I always feel guilty. Even when I'm happy.
Look, I get it. The guilt thing. It's a curse. But honestly? This place is designed for you to *not* feel guilty. It's built for pure, unadulterated self-indulgence. Embrace it! Let go of the chores, the emails, the endless to-do list. You *deserve* this. You really, really do. If you can't relax here, you're probably beyond help.
7. Tell me about the *view*! Is it as glorious as the pictures? I need to know if my Instagram feed will be happy.
The view, oh GOD, the view. The pictures? They don't do it justice. It IS as glorious, and then some. Rolling hills, grape vines, that sense of wide open space. I spent a good chunk of time just staring out the window. Sunsets are epic, I managed to get a few amazing shots for the 'gram, but honestly? You'll be more likely to be found staring into the horizon, lost in thought. It's almost too perfect. Almost.
8. Would you go back? Would you recommend it? Lay it on me straight.
Would I go back? Absolutely. Booked it. Seriously. I'm already planning my next escape. Would I recommend it? One hundred percent. If you need a break, if you want to recharge, if you just want to feel pampered and a little bit decadent, then yes. Go. Book it now. Just... maybe pack your own champagne... and bring a book. And maybe a backup phone charger. You know, just in case.
9. Okay, last question: What's the *weirdest* thing that happened? Like, something truly unexpected?
Hotel Search Trek
